I place parenting above pastoral duties – Prophet Abiara’s son
Pastor Isaac Abiara, is the firstborn of three sets of twins born to the renowned Prophet Samuel Abiara, former General Evangelist of Christ Apostolic Church, and founder of CAC Agbala Itura. In this interview with TEMITOPE ADETUNJI, the former US-based cleric gives his perspectives about Christendom, father’s lasting legacies and the crucial role good parenting plays in shaping children’s lives
Growing up as the first set of twins, what challenges did you face, especially as a pastor’s son?
If there were any challenges, it had to do with coping with my parents being in the ministry and having to follow in their footsteps. As a minister’s child, sometimes you feel like you’re missing out on certain things, especially not being able to go out and play with your friends.
Aside from that, there weren’t many challenges. The real challenge was the desire to be like other kids, which wasn’t possible because we had to be in church all the time, but which was also good.
Did you at any point get overwhelmed with the expectations that came with being a pastor’s child?
Many times, I felt like I was missing out. But as I grew older, I realised that I had not missed anything significant. When I reflect on it now, I wonder what exactly I missed. Perhaps it was going out, attending parties, or doing other things teenagers typically do. But in retrospect, I see that I didn’t miss out on anything.
How did your father’s role as a prophet shape your childhood and overall views on religion?
Growing up in our household, we had a routine. Every morning at about 6 a.m., the bell would ring, and everyone had to gather for prayer. This practice continues even to this day when I visit home. During those mornings, my father would teach us the Bible, along with morals and values.
This had a significant impact on me and my siblings, and instilled in us a strong sense of judgment. We always had a clear boundary in our minds that we knew not to cross.
Spiritually, my father taught me a lot, especially about prayer and fasting. He was well-known as the ‘coconut prophet’ because he would break his fasts with only coconut. From him, I learned the importance of prayer, fasting, and relying on God.
My younger brother used to joke that while other families were vacationing abroad, we were always on the mountain, praying. This shaped my view of the Christianity and spiritual world.
The way my father lives and leads us in faith is different from some of the excesses we see in Christendom today. His example has deeply influenced the way I practice my religion.
What was it like growing up in a household with three sets of twins?
It was a unique experience. Unfortunately, my twin sister passed away when we were about four years old, so I didn’t have the chance to grow up with her.
As for the other sets of twins, we all got along well. I moved to the United States when they were still very young, so I wasn’t fully part of their upbringing.
However, it was a normal, yet distinctive experience marked by a strong sense of connection and shared identity.
As a pastor, how challenging has it been trying to follow or fit into your father’s shoes, and carving out your path?
This is the way I see it, I can’t carve my path without following in his footsteps. So, they are not mutually exclusive. It’s important to combine both aspects. I’m pursuing my work in the ministry while still looking up to him and learning from his wisdom. In other words, while I respect and learn from him, I am also creating my path within the ministry.
Can you share a memorable lesson learnt from your father that still influences your life?
My father is a loyal person who never forgets those who supported him before his ministry became well-known. From him, I learned that when you achieve success, always remember those who stood by you. Unfortunately, some people forget those who helped them once they got to the top. My father has never been that way. I have seen him help those facing difficulties by showing gratitude for their support.
This particular lesson has profoundly impacted me. I am mindful that wherever life takes me, I must not forget those that were there for me.
Being his child also comes with high expectations. Because of my father’s reputation, people often expect me to behave well and meet high standards. It was also a constant expectation to perform at a high level. As the children born to men of God, mistakes are less forgiven, and there is a higher standard to uphold.
My parents, including my late mother, showed us a great deal of love. Even when I was in the U.S., my mother would express her love and warmth, making it clear that she saw me as more than just her biological child but as a part of a larger family.
Growing up, we never lacked anything, and though their way of showing love might have been different, it was always evident.
I’ve learned from them to show love to my own children. I apply the values and discipline my father instilled in me as teaching moments for my kids.
What are the things you missed about your mum?
It’s really emotional to talk about this. My mum always wanted the best for us and never wanted us to lack anything. Even when I visited her from the U.S., she would insist on giving me money, even though I felt I should be supporting her. She often called me when I was in Nigeria, to ask about my whereabouts and if I had eaten.
Her genuine care and concern were always evident. She made me feel loved and accepted and treated my wife as her daughter, not just as a daughter-in-law.
What values from your father have you consciously passed on to your children?
One key value I’ve passed on to my children is total dependence on God. My father always emphasised that he wouldn’t always be there for us, so we needed to rely on God. This reliance on God is something I’ve instilled in them. My children are currently studying in the U.S., while I am in Nigeria.
Another important value is integrity. My father taught me the importance of honesty and staying true to one’s principles, and I strive to pass that lesson on to my children as well.
What about making them aware of their grandfather’s legacies?
One day, while my kids were at school, they had a substitute teacher from Nigeria. I’m not sure if it was my son or daughter, but when they came home, they told me that the teacher looked at their names and asked, “Which Abiara are you?”
As they began to understand, they realised that their grandfather had built a strong reputation, and it was important for them to uphold that name. I explained to them that they have a responsibility to maintain the good name their grandfather established and not tarnish it in any way.
For example, during an interview, my daughter’s name came up, and the interviewer recognised it and mentioned her grandfather.
This was a teaching moment for me. I reminded them that God has blessed us with a good name, and they must preserve it. The Bible says a good name is more valuable than silver or gold, highlighting the importance of maintaining a strong reputation.
What is the most important lesson on parenting that you picked from your father?
Instilling good values in your children is paramount. To me, it underscores the significance of character and integrity in their development. Emphasising the importance of these values is crucial for their growth and success.
I believe it was actually my mum who brought normalcy into our lives. My dad was always busy with work and travelling, especially during our formative years when the ministry was growing.
While he was away on missions, my mother stayed home, maintaining stability and keeping everyone in check.
What I’ve learned is the value of teaching through calm communication rather than shouting or punishment. For example, whenever my father gathered us for a meeting, it often turned into a lesson or a sermon.
He never criticised us directly but instead used the scripture to guide us.
From this, I learnt the importance of speaking to children calmly and explaining what is right and wrong, rather than resorting to harsh discipline.
Additionally, leading by example is crucial. My father was an excellent role model, particularly in his treatment of my mother.
Highest parenting lesson learned
I never saw him lay a hand on her or witness any fights between them. Because of this, I strive to teach my children by embodying the values I want them to learn.
Can you describe a time when your father’s wisdom helped in your parenting journey?
There was a time when my son, who is into sports, suffered a serious injury. He had to be airlifted to the hospital, and the situation was quite dire. He had been hit in the head and was unable to move his extremities. I remember that day vividly; both my wife and I were at the hospital, deeply concerned.
I called my father, feeling frantic, and kept telling him, “Baba, nothing must happen to my son. Nothing must happen to David.”
He responded calmly, urging me to stay composed. Despite the alarming news that my son couldn’t move, my father’s reassurance helped me find some peace. He advised me to remain calm, which was crucial during that time.
Through this experience, I learned the importance of staying calm in the face of adversity. My father’s ability to maintain calmness, even in challenging situations, taught me valuable lessons. Even when I faced difficulties in the U.S., his steady demeanour was a guiding force. He never panicked, and this wisdom has greatly influenced how I handle stressful situations. I strive to embody the same calmness, no matter how tough the circumstances may be.
You mentioned living in the U.S., when exactly did you leave Nigeria?
I left Nigeria in January 1988, shortly after completing my secondary education at Holy Trinity Grammar School in Ibadan.
Afterwards, I moved to the U.S. and studied at Grace College and Theological Seminary.
I am currently enrolled at Regent University in Virginia for my advanced Biblical and Theological degree.
So back to your question, in Christ Apostolic Church, like other denominations, one of the things that can happen is that you can be transferred anywhere, anytime.
I have been in the U.S., for quite some time, and earlier this year, I was informed that I have been posted to Nigeria, no questions asked.
Thank God that this time, my kids are in school; it is much easier now compared to when they were still at home.
How did you meet your wife?
In the early 1990s, while I was living in Chicago, I decided to visit a new church in Maryland, which was about a three-hour flight. At that time, my wife had recently moved from Nigeria to Maryland, although she was originally born in the U.S. She usually helped my father interpret during his visits to Maryland.
When I visited the church, I initially didn’t think much of her, but as I got to know her, I realised there was something special about her.
A funny story is that a man from our church, who liked her but was too shy to speak to her, asked me to help him. That was how we started talking more, and the rest is history.
We got married in 1999, and it has been 25 wonderful years together.
I truly believe that finding a good wife is a great blessing.
What helped to sustain your marriage up to this point?
Firstly, express gratitude to your supportive spouse. Secondly, it is essential to practice humility and apologise when necessary, even if you believe you are in the right.
Demonstrating care and making your partner feel valued is crucial.
During the early years of marriage, especially on Sundays when I was a young minister trying to impress, I found myself shouting and criticising her over minor issues, like being late or not completing tasks.
Over time, I realised that this approach was ineffective. Instead, I learned the importance of helping out and contributing to household responsibilities.
Assisting with tasks, particularly those involving children, is vital for a harmonious marriage.
Respect and love are fundamental. Spend quality time together, such as accompanying your spouse on errands, which can strengthen your bond. Avoid talking down to or belittling your partner, regardless of their actions or appearance.
Respect is key to maintaining a positive relationship.
Marriage requires effort and mutual respect, much like a well-maintained chair that supports both partners equally.
Do you ever feel pressured to parent your children in a way that reflects your father’s influence?
I wouldn’t describe it as pressure to mirror my father’s approach. Instead, the focus is on ensuring my children succeed in a manner consistent with God’s teachings.
Success can be defined in many ways, and in our country, some may view theft or dishonesty as success. But for me, it’s about instilling values of integrity and good morals in my children. I want them to succeed while upholding these values, so they can look back and say, “I achieved this without compromising my principles.”
How do you strike a balance between the expectations of people and the life your children live?
These roles are distinct, but I view parenting as my most important responsibility, even beyond my pastoral duties. The Bible emphasises that if someone can’t manage their household, they are unfit to care for the house of God. I strive to balance these roles by setting aside specific times for pastoral work and family time.
What challenges have you faced raising children in the public eye?
Raising teenagers, whether in the U.S., or Nigeria, comes with its own set of challenges, especially dealing with peer pressure. I try to impart the same morals my father taught me, always keeping in mind the boundaries he set.
If your father were to give your children advice, what do you think he would say?
He would likely advise them to always trust in God for guidance and support.
How do you maintain a strong relationship with your children while managing your responsibilities as a pastor?
I’ve learned to balance the roles of pastor and father by prioritizing my family. After fulfilling my duties to God and my calling, my family, my wife, and my children come next.
What advice would you give to children from similar backgrounds like yours, who might struggle with their family’s legacy?
My advice is to first understand the positive aspects that contributed to your family’s legacy. Reflect on the values and actions that elevated your family to prominence. Ask yourself what elements of this legacy you can model and adopt in your own life. It’s important not to take your family’s legacy for granted as a right but rather to view it as a privilege that requires careful stewardship. Avoid living erratically and instead, commit to preserving and continuing the positive aspects of the family’s legacy.
In your opinion, what has gone wrong with parenting and how do you think this can be remedied?
Many parents today fail to be effective role models, leading children to mimic others instead of learning positive behaviours at home. Good parenting involves setting a strong example, but when parents don’t model positive traits, children lack proper guidance. In my experience, many of us became ministers because we grew up seeing this behaviour modelled at home. To address this issue, it’s crucial to focus on becoming better role models and fostering positive values within the family, as our society currently lacks sufficient good role models.
