Battles Onyeka Onwenu fought in marriage
MANY things have been said and written about Onyeka Onwenu since her sudden demise on
Tuesday, July 30, after performing at the 80th birthday party of Chief Stella Okoli, owner of Emzor Pharmaceuticals. But nothing much has been said about the many battles that the iconic singer fought while alive.
Right from the time Onwenu came into the limelight as a musician of reckoning in the 80s, till her last day on this planet, the “One Love” singer, had always been at the forefront of fighting for justice no matter whose ox was gored.
However, Onwenu would admit that her real battle in the music circuit started after the duets she did with the King Sunny Ade, titled, “Choices” and “Waiting for Me.” The songs followed their early love song ,” Madawonloum” , which was about a couple who ignored all that was being said about them and their relationship.
A rumoured love affair with KSA
As recounted in her memoir, “My Father’s Daughter”, Onwenu said, the release of the love song,” Madawonloum” made many believe that KSA and herself were involved in a love affair.
She further narrated: “ In 1989, KSA came calling again. This time, he requested that I write duets. This was a Johns Hopkins University and the United States Agency for International Development(USAID) project to increase awareness of family planning issues.
“We were to use music as an advocacy tool for the promotion of family planning and responsible sexual behaviour for the unmarried.
“On the back of this project, we recorded two songs, “Choices” and “Wait for Me.” Just as the songs gained more appeal, there was a second onslaught of wild rumours of King Sunny Ade and I in a sizzling relationship that had allegedly led to a secret love child, a daughter.
“The rumours were so pervasive that even the former Head of State, General Ibrahim Babangida asked me about the veracity though jokingly
“ I took it all in my stride at first. As an artist, I learnt to live by the reality of all publicity being good or bad. It seemed to me that putting out an official denial would fuel the rumours.
“However, I became angry when the gossip got to my four-year-old son. The driver of one of his school friends had told my son that KSA was his father.
“This was very upsetting to Abraham. When he came home that day from school with this disturbing story, I went straight to the mother of his friend, the employer of the said driver, hoping that she would reprimand him. But instead, she said ‘I have heard it too, and I had told the driver that even if it were true, he should not repeat it to anyone’.
“I immediately severed my relationship with the woman and all that came with her, to prevent any further damage to my son’s sense of well-being.
“I put out a statement through my publicist, debunking the rumours. I equally addressed the issue during interviews on radio and television. It seemed to quell the rumours for some time. However, I began to receive threatening telephone calls from some of KSA’s female fans. On the launch of the songs, “Choices and Waiting for Me”, at Sheraton Hotel, Ikeja, many had gathered to witness the official wedding of KSA and Onyeka Onwenu as rumoured. I daresay, they were disappointed as the launch brought me much relief.
Abacha’s One-Million-Man- March saga
The queen of songs also battled to clear her name from the mess she got into, after she was tricked by the Abacha junta to perform at the one million man march in Abuja, that didn’t go down well with the supporters of MKO Abiola’s June12 saga.
She narrated:” I want to tell the story of the One-Million-Man march in Abuja, and how I got involved in it. It had to do with the late Christy Essien-Igbokwe.
‘’The meeting was held at my office on Isaac John Street, GRA, Ikeja. Mrs Igbokwe, as PMAN President , spoke about the need to support the national soccer squad in the France ’98 World Cup competition. A fundraising event was taking place in Abuja and I had been invited to perform with my band alongside other artists. It made sense that I didn’t charge my normal fee, as this was a national call and a fundraising event. I agreed to be paid N900,000 which is about $5,000.
“I obliged out of conviction that whatever talent we had, was meant not just for one’s enjoyment, but for the common good as well. By agreeing to what appeared to be a noble national call.I had no idea that I had been hoodwinked and that the negative consequences of heeding that call would last for many years.I had no idea that I would be termed a traitor of the ‘June 12 cause’ even by people who knew the truth and the sincerity of my intentions.
“Just a week before the concert, I opened the dailies to find my name at the top of the list of artists who would perform at an event called, “One Million Man March’ in Abuja. Ostensibly, the event was to support the military Head of State who was said to have the intention of transforming into an elected president.
“To say I was enraged by this discovery would be an understatement. One of the problems that artists in Nigeria faced was the use of their names to promote events, even when they had neither been informed nor their approval obtained. I knew nothing about this event. I was only made aware of a fundraising event for the Nigerian national football team, the Super Eagles.
Unfortunately, after my performance at the vent, torrents of telephone calls began to pour in, complete with all manner of accusations and threats. The press keyed in, lambasting me as well. I was sure that my life was in danger. Some obscure student groups threatened to storm my office and set it on fire. Others said that they would give me the beating of my life, should they get a hold of me.
“They spread the rumour that I had collected millions of naira from Abacha’s government to support him and sing in his favour.’
“Knowing how I found myself in the programme, I was sure that I had done nothing wrong. I decided that I was not going to flee. All that was coming-harassment, the physical assault, and the loss of property -I had to face head-on.
Her marriage battles
Onwenu fought another battle to keep her marriage but later lost the same at the slightest provocation of her spouse.
Even though many believed that she never got married to any man, Onwenu’s memoir proved otherwise.
According to her, “My husband and I had an agreement from the onset of our relationship that our lives would remain private.”
“ That decision helped to shield our family from undue media exposure. This was so successful that many Nigerians had no idea that I had been married, let alone , separated or divorced. Many did not know that I had children. The media was filled with lies. Some said I had a girl and not two boys. I just let people speculate.
“It was not as though there was any secrecy surrounding my life. Those close enough had the right information, yet I did not feel the need to divulge the same to everyone else.
Narrating further, Onwenu said she married a man she fell in love with in 1984, and the marriage was blessed with two boys, Tijani and Ibrahim, who later changed his name to Abraham.
“I am, perhaps for the very first time, setting the records straight concerning my connubial relationship. Yes, I was married. I married a man I fell in love with in 1984. We had two children Tijani and Ibrahim. My husband is Yoruba and was a Muslim when we met.
“ At that time, I was already a well-known singer, songwriter and television journalist. My husband, therefore, knew that he was getting into associating with a famous woman.
“He was surprised that men were not lining up to see me or beating a path to my door. My life was simple, rich and private.
“I have heard it said that it’s better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all and I agree. This love was passionate and committed. It was put to the test, time and time again, through life and death situations.”
Still narrating her story, Onwenu recalled how her husband fled the country for five years after he was accused of something that he did not commit.
This happened 18 months after the birth of their second son, Abraham, and she was left alone to care for their children as well as her extended family. When her spouse returned to Nigeria following her intervention, he took ill and was flown abroad again. Luckily, he returned to the country hale and hearty to the glory of God, but that was the beginning of Onwenu’s marital woes.
First, her spouse expressed disappointment in her siblings in the fact that the queen of songs was often the sole financier and caregiver to the Onwenu family. He gave her an ultimatum to stop helping her family, or get no help from him again, Onyeka declined and got no help from him to date.
Narrating further in her memoir, Onyeka Onwenu wrote: “I have refused to be defined by marriage or attachment to a man, which often seems to be the way a woman in Nigeria gains respect.
“She’s considered a nobody unless she’s identified with a husband. To be respectable, a woman has to have the appellation of ‘Mrs. I decided not to be an appendage to someone else.I know that I had been given enough to be known for, and respected, other than being someone’s wife.
‘This is not to say that being a wife was not a most honourable and wonderful thing. But if you are not so inclined or had the opportunity to be one, it should not be counted against you.
She continued: “My husband is a good man, kind and generous to those around him. This was part of what attracted me to him. Every girl looks for a husband a man who reminds her of her father. But people do change, and it would seem, my husband did.
‘’It’s pertinent to mention that as generous as my husband was, I was financially independent from the beginning to the end of our relationship. I raised our two sons all alone, I paid their school fees from kindergarten to their graduation in the United States. I was responsible for everything they needed in life. I didn’t complain.
‘As a family, we had gone through so much disruption, separation and financial loss. I saw my role as a helper to the man I loved. No sacrifice was too much. I helped my husband through thick and thin, even as he had also helped me with some of my projects,
“Eventually, when things began to improve for him, I still did not receive any financial support for the children. By this time, the young men were all in the university. A bit of financial assistance from my husband would have been very helpful.
‘“To be fair to him, he had expressed to my siblings his disappointment following the fact that they were not pulling their weight, so I had to pull mine and theirs. He complained bitterly.
‘However, my husband gave me an ultimatum to stop helping my family or you get no help from me. I continued and so, I got none -not for myself and not for our children.
“Leaving me as the sole financier of the immediate family was, therefore, a punishment for my refusal to stop helping my family, particularly, my mother who was completely dependent on me.I had come to accept that some men are like that. I may not have understood it but I lived it.”
Suffering emotional and psychological trauma in marriage
Onwenu also narrated the emotional and psychological trauma she suffered at the hands of the man she loved so much.
“‘When people who have known each other for many years and they have been through so much together, they pretty much know the boundaries and lines not to cross and the consequences of crossing them.
“For a woman though, these lines are not so clear.
I was surprised at how much I could take, that I never knew I could accept maltreatment, deliberate neglect and more. There was a set of rules of dos and don’ts that my husband was compelled to live by. I was not allowed to employ a cook.’
“At a point, being married became like walking a tightrope. Nothing I did was right or good enough.
I was not allowed to employ a cook. This may be hard for some people to believe, but it’s true.
The closest I got to hiring one was my friend Mama Ekaette, a caterer who would come to the house when the kids were in primary school, and help me cook.
“She would come around any time I was tired of cooking. My husband found out about Mama Ekaette and stopped her from coming to our house. I not only cooked but also had to serve my husband’s food and clean up the dishes.
“The housekeeper was not allowed to clean the master bedroom, except me. I was also obligated to wash his socks. If I could not cook and clean as quickly and as often as was required, then I was accused of having given my best to the outside world and not my family.
“It was petty, but I was expected to pick up the house telephone, even if the caller was a habitual early morning weekend caller., who I suspect did it on purpose.
“With all the rules and regulations to follow, and with so much time and effort expended on shopping. cooking , cleaning and taking care of the children, I still had to work to provide for my family, including my husband
“This hurt me. I was constantly on edge, overthinking everything. I spent the greater parts of my day crippling anxiety. The abuse may not have been physical, but it was emotional and psychological and it took its toll on me.
“I lost interest in myself with a lot of weight loss. I was constantly depressed. I began to lose interest in my work, my creative spark slowly ebbing away. It took my brother Richard to draw my attention to what I had allowed to happen to me.
“My depressive state, which I felt I had managed to conceal successfully, had become noticeable.”
Onwenu’s husband became envious of her growing popularity as a singer and started accusing her of giving her best to the outside world and not her family. But the straw that broke the camel’s back was the day her husband verbally abused her without provocation in the presence of her step-daughter-in-law, her staff and his, calling Onwenu all sorts of names.
“I took it all in faith and walked away. That day, we both knew that it was all over between us,” Onwenu added.
However, being a woman who was always at the forefront of fighting for justice for her colleagues, it was expected that she would not close her eyes and watch people trample upon her right. So, it was in 2021, when Onyeka Onwenu embarked on a hunger strike to protest against her ban on NTA by Mr Ben Bruce, the then Director-General of the Nigerian Television Authority.
The ban was imposed because of Onwenu’s demand for her residual fees on work done for NTA and for copyright dues for the use of her song, “Iyogogo” on the network for over eight years.
While protesting outside the headquarters of NTA, where she camped for days with her supporters, late Chief Gani Fawehinmi stormed the place with a crowd of followers, including the press.
They blocked Ahmadu Bello’s way where NTA is situated and Gani stood on top of his car, in a loud voice declaring “Mr Ben Bruce, we are watching you” and “Nothing must happen to Onyeka Onwenu.” That was the spirit of resilience, fearlessness and standing for justice that Onyeka Onwenu deplored while alive.
