50 ladies showed interest in me after searching for love online — Polio survivor
A graduate of Computer Science and polio survivor, Oluwatimilehin Oyedele, who received a backlash when he made a post on X (formerly Twitter) recently announcing that he was single and in search of love, and asked interested ladies to apply, tells FATTEH HAMID how he has dealt with rejections over the years
What do you do for a living?
I am Oluwatimilehin Oyedele, a graduate of Computer Science from the Federal Polytechnic, Ilaro, (Ogun State). I also underwent the compulsory one-year national youth service in 2017. Since graduation, there was no job and I was still seeking a government job before I decided to start my own business. I am a serial entrepreneur and I also make shoes. I’m from Ogun State and I’m 33 years old.
You recently posted a request on X (formerly Twitter) asking women to apply if they were interested in a relationship with you and that generated a lot of reactions, including negative ones. Why did you make the call?
To start with, I’m single and I’m searching. That probably prompted that (my action). However, in the past, I’ve had a lot of bad relationships. For example, I was in a relationship three years ago and we went our separate ways but the aftermath of the breakup was that I fell into depression and I had to see a therapist before getting myself back. Since then, I’ve been trying to get into a stable relationship and I summoned the courage to put it out there (on social media) with the hope that I’ll find a suitor, someone who is responsible and will be willing to accept me for who I am. It is not that I haven’t had relationships in the past but most of the time, they fail, especially because of rejection from their parents, guardians, family, and friends all because I’m physically challenged.
Your post was met with different reactions from people across the country. How did you feel about the comments made by some of them?
Body shaming or posting demeaning comments isn’t something good. When people living with disabilities are body-shamed, it triggers a whole lot of things and messes with their mental health. When I saw some of those comments, I had to reply strongly also and was met with the reactions of some people that I was harsh, but the reality is that I’m down-to-earth and people who know me personally will bear witness to the fact that I’m friendly and jovial. However, when you’re pushed to the wall and you see some demeaning comments, you’ll ask yourself who raised those people who make such comments. It gets to you and destabilises you. I feel body-shaming and all of that is not something that should be happening in this century. As educated individuals, we should know better and it doesn’t speak very well to body-shame anyone. I felt terrible seeing those comments and had to lock my comment section after the abuses being hurled at me were much. Despite that, some people were still quoting the tweet to share their vile words. While I felt bad about it, I was also encouraged by people who shared goodwill and beautiful comments with me after seeing my posts and the motivation. So, I took the positive comments and ignored the bad ones.
Do you think you shouldn’t have made that post after the reactions you got?
When those vile comments were coming in, I felt like just deleting the post, but due to the other positive comments, I went with that. Also, people came to my direct messages to abuse me but some sent positive messages through direct messages. I believe that I’ve made the tweet already and won’t go back.
It’s been days since you made the post. Have you found a suitor on X?
Well, if you check the comment section on the post, there was a lady who asked if I was financially capable of taking care of myself and my partner. I answered that I was not looking for an opportunist but someone who would love me for who I am. A lot of ladies sent me direct messages. There were some that I felt were genuine and had good intentions for texting me and saying that they wanted to date me but there were others who said the same and I felt were just opportunists. For example, when someone messages me and asks about my financial worth; some even go to the extent of asking about my sexual capability. I can have sexual intercourse and I can do that very well but that was not the aim of making that post. Yes, money and sex are very important in marriage but that wasn’t part of my intentions when the post was made. I came looking for someone who’ll accept me and love me just the way I am.
I received a lot of direct messages after the post and there are well over 50 ladies who have shown interest through messages, but I feel that I should take my time and not rush things. I’m trying to scrutinise and assess those I feel are serious. I believe that with God, all things are possible. I’m feeling positive about it and I feel that I’ll probably get a suitor from there and if not, I’ll continue to look up to God.
How did you come down with the disability?
I wasn’t born with my disability. I had polio when I was three years old and I’ve been living with it since then. I wasn’t born like that and it wasn’t an accident. It was polio. I have been looked down on a lot of times, right from when I was young and up to this moment.
Can you recount one such experience?
There are a lot of them. After I graduated, I submitted my CV to some companies and I got a call for an interview. When I got there, the interviewer said I did well after conducting oral and written tests but the interviewer told me that they were sorry and would not be able to employ me because of my disability. The company said they did not think I could cope with the pressure or the stress of the job. That experience hurt me because if not for my disability, I wouldn’t have been rejected by the company. Also, when I was in secondary school, a whole lot of events I don’t want to remember happened. This has also greatly affected my experience with women. I might see someone that I like and try to approach the person and the way I get some demeaning comments is exasperating. Some ladies would tell me that they haven’t dated a complete man let alone an incomplete man.
Just recently, the same thing happened to me. There’s a lady that I’ve been friends with for a while who uploaded a picture on her status with a caption that she was single. I responded to the status update telling her that I was interested in her and would love us to have a relationship. The next response from her was that she would not date me because I was not complete. She told me that I was crossing my boundaries. Such comments go through my spine, trigger some negative emotions, and mess with my mental health. Despite all these, I’m a strong person and people who are close to me can testify to the fact that I’m strong and do not allow negative comments to get to me or get the better side of me. I’m a human being and sometimes, it can weigh me down or make me go into depression but I’ve always learnt to come back stronger and be positive. I believe that those comments will always come, I don’t think it’s going to end anytime soon, I know it is going to continue, so, I’ve taken it as part of what will be my journey forever.
Would you really blame your physical looks for your current relationship status?
Well, I won’t blame my physical looks because humans have choices and differences. As humans, we know what we want and what we do not want. There are lots of people who are physically fit and would ask a woman out and get rejected. They were rejected not because they were not physically fit. They were rejected because they did not have the money, were not capable of taking care of the woman, or because the lady did not have an interest in them. So, I’m not going to ever blame my physical condition or blame my disability for not being in a relationship. Yes, it (disability) is a part of it but not completely the reason why (I’m not in a relationship). I’m friends with people who are physically fit with whom we share experiences and they get rejected by women and the women give different reasons for that. So, if a woman turns me down, my thoughts do not go to my physical disability at first; I always think she probably has another taste that I do not have. Also, I’ve had relationships in the past and I’ve been living like this all my life, so, I wouldn’t blame my disability.
What did the ladies you dated tell you when you told you were interested in getting married to them?
When I get into a relationship and tell the lady that I want her to speak to her parents about me and the relationship, especially getting their consent before proceeding to know if I’m going to be accepted or not, the ladies would tell me that I should leave that and not mind anyone because they were going to make the decisions themselves and no one was going to change their minds. Following that, we progressed in the relationship and it was very beautiful until it was time for us to take the relationship to the next level. It was when I told her to allow me to meet her family that the story started to change.
From these failed relationships, a usual trend that I’ve noticed was the mother of the ladies; they were the ones who usually stood against me and did not allow me to see the relationship through. I’ve not had a relationship with someone outside my ethnic group; most of the ladies I’ve dated are Yoruba.
What type of response did you get from their mothers?
Their mothers said their daughters couldn’t get married to someone with a disability. I had a serious relationship that I thought would be my ‘last stop’ and was going to get somewhere. The lady called me while speaking to her mother about it so that I could hear. When she told the mother, her (mother’s) first response was to ask the lady what she wanted her to tell her father, that she allowed her to bring home someone with a physical disability. She asked the lady whether anyone from the family of her father brought home a crippled husband. She asked her whether her cousins brought home anyone with a disability or whether her older or younger ones did something like that. It was so hurtful to my ears because those words were penetrating my core and messing with me completely. She said it had never happened in their family and she was not going to be the one that would start it. She also asked her whether she wanted her to be mocked by family members and all that.
After that call, I spoke to the lady and she told me that she was going to defy her mother’s instruction and go ahead with taking the relationship to the next level. However, I couldn’t go ahead with that plan because I’m a Yoruba man to the core and wouldn’t marry a woman without her parents’ blessing. God forbid! If anything bad happens in the future, they’ll start questioning me whether they gave their daughter’s hand to me in marriage. I didn’t want anything like that to happen but bearing in mind that anything could happen, I decided not to progress with the plan.
With all you have encountered in your relationship with women, do you believe you will find love?
Sure, I believe that I’m going to find love. I have friends who are physically challenged but found love and are happily married. Scenarios like that have been a source of motivation to me, that if they could find love, mine wouldn’t be different. (Saturday PUNCH)
